My favoritist toy that I ever got for Christmas

Thank you Tim!!!!

Bucky does not love the flash

Dad and bro'

my new 'do



Peace and love to all in the New Year!!!!

The Noble Eightfold Path: Part 1 Right View

1. Existence means suffering.
2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
3. The cessation of suffering can be attained.
4. The path to the end of suffering is the Noble 8 Fold Path.
--The 4 Noble Truths of the Buddha


I hear you in my dreams as a song
If only I were awake
then could I see your true being?
Would I be able to walk the path
beside you?

The melody so beautiful
like nothing I had heard before.
Like water cascading down
a mountain stream.
The stones are worn smooth
by centuries of knowing.

These trees stripped bare
of their branches so that one
can see them naked and exposed.
Winter trees unafraid of laying bare
their truth so that we may
learn form and shape.

To understand that all things
must change, be born, die.
That to become attached
is no longer an option.

Come, come whoever you are

Come, come, whoever you are.
Wonderer, worshipper, lover of leaving.
It doesn't matter
Ours is not a caravan of despair.
Come, even if you have broken your vow
a thousand times
Come, come yet again.
Rumi


You have always wandered my life
as a thought, a description of
some other thing. I always wanted
only one thing, never wavering
ever faithful. But something in you
never recognizes me. I shake you and
shout "Here I am, come back to me.
I have always been right here at the
end of this dusty road, across the ocean,
down one way streets, at the end of the
world." But you always forget.

And then sometimes there is this wonderer
And it becomes a thing in itself, a thought,
a being. Then sometimes you come back
but it is too late. We have continued
our journey across oceans, down one way
streets. We become lost. Because the other
was only ever a thought anyway.
And then as soon as I am lost
you forget again.

And then the worshipper of dreams
comes alive and then you really
remember and almost even
wake up. Have a conversation
and leave. Leave me be so that
I might live. And everyone says
I love you. But tragically, the
image remains poorly described
and fades away, only ever
seeing itself through my eyes.

Then there is an energy, movement,
reality and you are gone, lover of leaving.
I am free and don't need to wait at the end of
dusty roads, in forgotten hiding places,
unmapped highways, across oceans.
And now I can't even remember if
this song is for you.

First kiss

“The end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and to know the place for the first time.”
T.S. Eliot, The Wasteland

Beautiful autumn morning
every day you think the trees
can't possibly get more brilliant
and then they do.
I drive down the street breathing
in the colors of the trees
driving past places I used to live,
get drunk, walk my dog,
fall in love.

I used to think that the beauty
of the mid autumn sun
falling through the trees
was all that was required.
Then other things got in the way
and I could not see the sun
the way it falls at that particular
angle - reminding us that suffering
will occur if we do not pay attention
to the beauty of the light amongst
the leaves in this present moment.

How is it possible to know what is
truly in the heart of another?
Wanting this will surely bring
great suffering. It is best to know
what is in your own heart first.
There is still great mystery in
this moment. To turn inside and
to know your true self, that is what
the light asks of us.

Stop longing after something
you will never have, never know.
Walk past places
you have lived, read a book, stayed
up all night, kissed someone for the
first time. Watch the leaves turn,
as they do every year, see that one
that is a pure burst of crimson.
And pay attention to the light,
how it slants through the trees
and touches us more softly.

From you I craved compassion

Compassion Mantra

From you I craved compassion
That was indeed the source of
my suffering.
I accept this pain that you have
given me.
It is my teacher.
What is the teacher? Is it
the Practice? the Journey?
self study? Contentment, purity.
Why do you ask?
Indeed, why do you ask.
Do you think I've nothing to do
all day but this? Willingly sacrifice
my selfishness.

Because from you I craved compassion
and you were my teacher.
Having already learned that lesson
from the pain of walking through
Shiva's fire
other times. Burning away the afflictions
of delusion and unawareness.
I accept this pain that you have given me.
You are my teacher.
I will practice.
I will study.
I will walk on dusty roads.
Can I possibly elevate myself
that much? Certainly nothing
is worth that. Unless that
is the only choice

Because I found compassion within
You showed me the way
pointed right to it.
Of course it was there all
the time. That's beside the point.
Because you took the bottle
and opened it.
And I had not even seen it before.
Because now the stars will never
look the same.
And your eyes.
Sometimes the architecture
of our relationship seems
incoherent.
And then I look at the stars.

The Dream of non-Suffering

Somehow you grabbed my soul
formerly protected soft and safe
within the area behind my heart
(Where souls usually reside)
and with a stiff brush you washed
it clean.
When you gave it back to me it was
rough and raw.
It had a few holes that needed
patching and I would have to
grow new pieces of soul to
fill in the gaps.

Twisting, bending I opened my heart
to you. That's how you got in when I
wasn't looking. You told me that it was
a journey.
I took the first step, the second and third
and before long it was as if I was in a dream
beyond a dream. There you were, though
I couldn't see you, only hear, "let go, don't
struggle, the pain is not really there."

I tried to stay deep within the state
of non-waking. Attachment to my
dream life drawing me in and soothing
my tortured soul. Until the end of the world
I would sleep. But no you said, I could not
become attached to the dream. It wasn't real.
And I couldn't become attached to what
was real either. It is the only way to end
suffering and the illusion that we are
the mind.
And I gave you back my soul.
And now I stay awake.

Nearly the full moon

I walk between Sun and Moon.
I walk between unbridled passion
and strict renunciation. Closer to god...
I walk between Heaven and Earth.
When the mind understands
itself then enlightenment is achieved.

Until then, practice
saluting the sun... most mornings.
Opening heart mind soul body
to the elements, to the Ether
to the journey.

Who else can undertake it?
Can you clear my thoughts
so I can rest my consciousness
on itself?
Can you calm the whirls of mind-stuff?
Where is the jungle doctor
to suck the poison of past knowing?

When we lie down at night and close our eyes
we are all alone as if we were
in the grave. Take rest until you are ready
for savasana.
In true love abides the third truth
For which we are all searching.

Rebirth

We sit and talk of matters
we cannot know to be true.
But, we are fascinating and
we create stories that are more
than real. We have felt the movement
the sweat of two bodies one strong
supple. The other bending cracking.
Who are you? I have felt you made of
the ether, of nothing and everything.
Heard your voice and understood.

Yet still my ego will judge you and I
will be jealous and enlightenment
will not come. This storm will pass
but there will be no peace but the peace
that comes with rebirth and possibility.
The new moon. We rest. How do we
practice the stillness that humility demands?

Listening to Yoga Matrix on Saturday Afternoon

Hey there,

Man with porches that look over
Colorado mountain sunsets
or sunrises, I don't know which.
I got my yoga groove back
so happiness and freedom are mine again.
Regardless of space and time
reality. Got my feet on the ground and my head
is in the practice.
Searching for the wisdom
living within the patterns of movement
body and breath.
Living the opposites that are given to me
by the universe, silent.
The universe, from which I cannot be separated.
Is it vast and uncaring? Am I?
Smiling the smile of non-fear.

My favorite teacher says that it is not important that your teacher thinks he is a guru, it is only important that you think he is a guru.

Finally the Truth

This is for you LG

Infinite Jest

9/13/2008.

RIP David Foster Wallace











You got us all.


A true literary genius
of my life time.

Your words and contribution to arts and letters will be missed.


Nothing is born, nothing dies
Nothing to hold on to, nothing to release.
Samsara is nirvana.
There is nothing to attain.
TNH

Over the Rainbow

I practiced Rocket 2 with my roommate yesterday. I really tore me up after a few nice days of primary - perhaps too comfortable with primary. Looking back, perhaps it was telling me that I need to step up my daily practice a bit. Today after teaching a pretty good modified primary class I came home and just crashed - under the covers and everything. I thought maybe and hour would refresh me, but I woke up at 4 and I was supposed to go observe a Hatha1 class at one of the studio classes where I teach and I had a tiny headache and was still exhausted so I just said that I couldn't go and came back to bed. I think there is a weather front coming through. I am still sore from practice yesterday. I'll get up for mysore tomorrow. Tomorrow the day I really pull out all the stops.

I am quitting my day job and trying to go part-time and teaching to support myself. Of course there is another income in our family, so we're not going completely over the deep end. At first I had so many doubts that it was hardly worth the stress of leaving my stressful job. But now that my decision is sinking in and with much support from my husband and my entire family, I now feel an inner peace that I may never have felt before.

Ironically, when I was in teacher training, my mentor asked if I was going to be one of those crazy people who try to make a living as a yoga teacher and run around to all sorts of yoga shalas, gyms and clubs teaching whatever, where ever and trying to stay true to my own practice - and I said no - I just wanted to teach one or two classes to make a little extra money. Then I learned how much I loved teaching and that continuing in a job that I hated and felt was making me physically, mentally and spiritually ill was far worse running all over town chasing elusive yoga jobs before some other teacher could get to them.

Whatever happens I am chasing my dream - chasing rainbows - which I have never done before. I've never given into anything risky, even if I thought it could bring me true happiness. I've always chosen the safe route. But now I'm taking the advice I'm always giving my students when they try arm balances for the first time - don't be afraid of falling on your face, or learn to tuck and roll.

Peace out

I can't believe it

I can't believe that I haven't blogged since New Year's Day. So much has happened that I can't even describe it all. Needless to say, I haven't felt that I had the time to journal it, and much of it I didn't want to record at all. Too much pain, anger and frustration, betrayal, mistakes. But in the end forgiveness, new beginnings and all for the better. Ultimately, I left my old studio where I had begun and intended, hoped to begin teaching, for the big, shiny studio down the street that I never thought I would go to. I had always thought the big, shiny studio was just a yoga churning machine, but it's not. It turns out that it is just well run and filled with love and grace and has helped to transform me into this much softer, easier, more balanced person with a renewed dedication to my practice.

A big part of my renewed dedication and transformation has come from a 5 day workshop with the person whom I've come to consider my guru, Tim Miller. My husband and I did the "Classical Ashtanga weekend," which was really nice to share together and definitely renewed his dedication to the practice and strengthened our bond (if that's even possible.) Then came the three days where Tim says he's going to let the practice chew us up and spit us back out. I was already a little sore from practicing so vigorously over the weekend - putting in a little more effort than I might normally have. But Monday's Primary Series felt great, everything was open from the weekend and although I was sore, I felt that I was gaining more and more strength. I dreaded Tuesday because I knew we would be doing Second Series which I don't practice because I haven't passed the final test of dropping back into a backbend on my own. If I hadn't taken off a month from the trauma of switching studios, I might be there, but who knows.

The backbends of Second Series felt wonderful. Tim helped me get further into Bekasana which is where I usually stop. Then we did Laguvadrasana - I did a decent version. Then we did a bunch of "research" poses before coming into Kapotasana. I don't usually stress about Kapotasana, because I'm usually not even very close. But when I started to go into it, I felt my back soften and I felt something in my front body open and I kept moving my head and hands closer to my feet until I felt a toe, at which point I yelled out "I feel a toe!" The people on either side of me were trying to help me get my hands to my feet because everything was so slippery. Suddenly, Tim came over and said, "Kyrsten, don't get up!" And he took my hands and I opened my front body as much as I could and he put my hands on my heels. Unfortunately, I did not come up in the traditional was, but collapsed into supta virasana. Ah well, next time!

I was completely invigorated and looking forward to the 3rd day which I thought would be a mixture of Primary and Second Series Poses. But no, the tricky monkey had us doing 3rd series arm balances, many of which you enter from headstand. It was incredible. I did King Dancer, which I have never done and Eka Pada Raj Kapotasana - incredibly, somehow. As we were lying in savasana, Tim said that we might experience some untying of knots and have some emotional releases. Well, at lunch I started having emotional releases all over the place. I started crying over something with my roommate and telling her I loved her and just bawling all over the place. Finally I got it together, but I was exhausted. Then I went to a therapy session and cried the whole time, but not in a really sad way, just in a cathartic way. Then, when Tim came to pick me up, I started crying again and telling him how much I loved him. Yes, I would say I had a release. I also had this desire to make great changes in my life, but more on that later.

New Year's Day Practice etc...

So a friend sent me an invitation to join a group call WoYoPracMo. The purpose is to inspire people to practice everyday for the month of January. At first I freaked out - what about moon days I said! But you just have to come to your mat for a minimum of 10 minutes a day, and we can do a yin practice for moon days. The site seems really positive to me and I've invited a couple of other people. The woman who set up the site calls herself Yogamum and is very sweet.

I practiced this morning with my teacher and mentor. I had never just practiced with him before and I was excited to have this time with him. We both practiced primary series, but he started before I was done stretching. It was nice just to be practicing beside him - I felt a very calm and open energy and my practice felt calm and open - expansive. I completely focused on the sound of my breath. I wasn't shaky like I can be sometimes. We both ended up finishing at the same time and had a nice, long savasana. It was a great way to start the New Year and my goal to practice daily this month.

Then I came home and called a friend from whom I have been estranged, but who had recently sent me an e-mail saying that she felt it would be a positive thing if our paths crossed. I was supposed to see her and her family at a party last night, New Year's Eve, but I wasn't feeling well and ended up staying home and watching The Pianist (wow!). I had spoken with her and we decided that I might stop over at her house today. I called her after my practice. I was still in that serene and peaceful post yoga glow, but that quickly faded during the course of our conversation. She had sent me an e-mail saying that she didn't feel that it was a good idea for me to come over. We talked for a long time and I honestly did not understand where she was coming from. I accepted that she needed to cut me off for a bit, but I explained in detail how I have changed. In the end we both decided to communicate through e-mail for now and I gave her the link to this blog.

I was so hurt during and after the end of our conversation. I felt so rejected by someone that I love - someone with whom I thought I had a real connection. But I have to accept where she is and where I am and let it be what it is. Here is the stanza that I am studying in "Understanding Our Mind"

Store consciousness is neither the same nor different,
individual or collective.
Same and different inter-are.
Collective and individual give rise to each other.

So no matter what, we are all connected and it is best to send love and light to all with whom I come in contact.

My horoscope for today: Tuesday, January 1... Libra
You might be eager to shake up some old routines in your life in order to create a greater sense of freedom and independence for yourself. And many things could be taking on a feeling of newness for you right now, including the way that you relate to many of the key people in your life.

My husband said they were spying on me :) I don't make resolution, because I feel that they set you up for failure, but I really did feel a lot of truth in that horoscope and a sense of great hope for the New Year.

Blessings, Truth and Happiness for the New Year.