The Smile of Non-Fear

Lost love

2011-04-24T18:40:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that it's been so long since I posted. Well, on second thought I can. Shortly after that last post my whole world went to crap - my husband left me, the only other man I loved told me that he couldn't speak to me for x period of time (it's a long time) I'm 38 and pretty much feel as though I will never fall in love ever again. I've tried, don't get me wrong, but my soul is so hurt and damaged and I still have such mixed feelings about my soon to be ex-husband that I don't really know what to do. I waver between anger and wanting to be friends and meanwhile I'm stuck in the relationship status of "separated" not exactly a beckoning call for worthy suitors. So many of my friends say that I need to be alone for a while. I wonder if they've ever been as truly alone as I am right now, or if they've felt as truly alone as I feel right now.

Ironically I found someone who said that I could call anytime - and then their phone got shut off or they changed the number or something. Odd. I sort of see someone who doesn't want to talk to me more than about once a week, which if that's his deal, I'm down with that, but I have to find someone else for emotional support. Or maybe that's just my ego.

All of this is coming up because I officiated my brother's wedding last night and it reminded me of how happy I was on my wedding day and how bright the future looked and how much I loved my husband. And how did it end up like this. Because I was emotionally involved with another person? Because my husband didn't have the guts to say something before we were, for him, beyond the point of no return.

Tonight, it's the opposite of that sunny early autumn day - it's rainy and lonely and dark and as much as I didn't see it back then, at least I am aware that I don't know what the future holds.

Some days it's just good to be alive

2010-09-08T11:44:00.000-07:00

Today I felt something I haven't felt for a long time. Maybe it's because I saw the changing colors of the tree leaves, maybe the lack of oppressive humidity in the air and glorious sunshine, but as I tooled around the highways in Columbus listening to my mix CDs I couldn't help but thinking it was great to be young (relatively) and alive in America. My husband and I have been having a love/hate relationship with our country ever since he got back from a recent work trip in France/Switzerland. I've always dreamt of living over seas, or pretty much any place but the midwest. Since he's returned, the sense of urgency to get the heck out of the heartland has become more and more pressing; not only would it seemingly improve our quality of life, but also my health, considering that when I tell doctors that weather fronts trigger my migraine headaches, they always say that I should move from Ohio.

But today that urgency to flee was nowhere in my heart as Cat Stevens sang of lost love and John Lennon crooned to Yoko and I drove my little sports car from the perkily manicured lawns of houses that bordered the country club where I'd given a private yoga lesson to a gratefully jet-lagged student who'd just flown back from German. Normally I might have judged her for being overpriviledged and wondered which gas guzzling SUV out in the parking lot was hers. But she was a student and had come to me to ask me graciously to help her work out her tight hips and hamstrings. I had to tell her to stop apologizing every time I corrected her. "There's no apologizing in yoga." I said.

As I drove home, buoyed by my love for teaching and the brilliant blue sky and the temperate air and mellow music, I wasn't bothered as I normally was by suburban surfaces turning to industrial and post-industrial wasteland through more suburbs toward the northern semi-decrepit not quite suburban neighborhood where I live. It was ok that it wasn't some other place, but this place, with the front step that was crumbling so badly that I kept telling my husband that it was hazardous for older people and the slightly handicapped and old windows and manner of things that needed cleaning and painting and the yard that was mostly weeds. I was happy that I could let the dogs out to lie in a patch of sun in the middle of the yard that was otherwise a shady ravine. I opened all the curtains and windows that I had been keeping shut because my ragweed allergy had kicked in this year and let the breeze waft as pleasantly as the thoughts in my brain through the house.

So this, I realized, is what Tim Miller means when he speak of equanimity. We don't live in a perfect world, I had told a friend of mine just the night before. We don't have to run around like self-important entitled ego-maniacs grasping for pleasure at every moment, nor do we have to ruminate on the failures of our: society, country, government, president, personal situation, mental status either. We can just be in the world, not of it. But it sure doesn't hurt when it's a beautiful early autumn day and life, like the midafternoon breeze is feeling particularly soft and easy.

A Calling

2010-08-29T17:15:00.000-07:00

So I had been planning a trip to Mysore, India for at least a year for January through March of 2011. Through a strange series of events my plan, or at least my passion for my plan slowly eroded, at least for that time frame. The timing felt off. What I needed was an American fix: quicker and including my husband. A vacation, that included yoga, America and the ocean. My husband, having just returned from Europe was also in a funk and I was determined that we find our love of our country again - if not the state in which we are currently living. I told him we shall "go West young man" and so my dream of visiting my teacher Tim Miller in Encinitas, CA was born.

It felt like a true calling. A road trip to find the "Great American Dream" a la Jack Kerouac or Hunter S. Thompson minus the drugs and the booze and the craziness. I could hear the Pacific, too cold in which to swim, but so beautiful crashing against the shores. I could hear Tim's distinctive count of "1,..2,...3..4..5, nawa inhale, dasha exhale, ekadasha pick it up...." I had questioned him too much the last time I had seen him, had too many doubts about going to India before I saw him again. In my soul I know that he is my guru.

It's a classic American solution to a classic American problem: the urge to wander, a dissatisfaction with where we are now and a profound sense that out West lies something greater and perhaps as we reach our late thirties and look to our forties we don't remember the simple solution anymore. The road trip west to find our guru. Traveling across the Mississippi, across the Rockies or the Ozarks, across the desert of infinite probabilities and finite possibilities, until we reach the Pacific. Find our peace. Follow the highway of our bliss until the endless miles force our souls to reveal all of our inner truths. And in the desert we wander, until we hear the voice of our inner guru calling us home. Wherever that may be.

Insomnia

2010-03-01T20:46:00.000-08:00

You keep me awake
With your lack of love
With promises made years ago
Why didn't I listen then?
I was youthful and had no remorse
But it's winter now, you say,
And my turn to be cruel.
Remember my humor.
This way to the gallows
My dear.

I beg: I'm not begging
But please show some mercy
I remember and regret those
Twisted, tormented memories
I won't forget again
If you'll forgive that unforgivable
Sin. I did not show you
Respect. What does that mean?
That you are free now to torture
Me at will? Make all my efforts
Futile, my womb barren?
I shall not grow old.

Immortality is not a game that
One should chance lightly. High
Stakes that one. Given the time,
Night and the inclination: a
Desire to punish you for your
Cruel nature if not
Intentions. A person just might
Find all of the keys and
All of the pieces
And put the puzzle together
Thus ending the story.

No more recess, no more books
No more faces. Death becomes her.
Still like the night, though not
Her sleep. The craving is more
than one should have to bare.
Such a beautiful flower, it put
me in all tomorrow's parties
Before I even landed in
Today.

Non-Attachment

2009-09-06T13:09:00.000-07:00

Earlier this summer I injured my elbows when I was instructed to go beyond 90 degrees in chaturanga dandasana. Since then I have alternatively struggled with and surrendered to this annoying injury that I feel I could practice through, yet if I did, could turn in to something more serious. So I've been modifying my practice, taking time off, doing PT, not doing PT, taking flaxseed oil and turmeric, rubbing flaxseed oil on my elbows, doing reiki on myself, even though I'm not attuned per se, but have been told that people feel energy when I give them adjustments. You name it, I've tried it. Pretty much everything but consistency. I think that's what I'll have to go with that next.

Through all of this I have held an enourmous amount of blame toward the teacher who told me to go past 90 degrees in chaturanga dandasana. I haven't told her this because many people can do this movement and not sustain an injury. Unfortunately, I have a strange family history of medial epicondylitis and will probably have to be very careful with elbow injuries from now on. Yet even though I try to remain non-attached to anger or blame I am finding it very difficult. The injury is affecting my asana practice in a huge way. Perhaps I am too attached to it; however, my teachers have emphasized the need to try to practice in some way without aggravating the injury. There is much written in the Yoga Sutras about practicing without break and about yoga being part of one's daily hygeine, much like brushing one's teeth. I take these words very seriously.

Besides that, I tried taking a week off from asana practice completely, thinking if I could just get rid of it once and for all I would be ok. Unfortunately that revealed even more of my attachment to my practice as I was a grouchy, worried, anxious mess for the entire week and had to cut it short and even praticed on a moon day. Now, I am back where I was before I took all of that time off. And I feel even angrier at the teacher who gave me that instruction. Attachment to my injury, to anger, to my practice. It's a vicious circle.

But luckily, yoga teaches us to start over, wherever we are, in every moment. To forgive ourselves and move on to the business of practicing yoga, which never stops. So I can still practice non-attachment to my injury and practice in a way that does not further aggravate it. I can practice non-attachment toward my feelings of anger and they will disappear. And I can practice non-attachment to my asana practice so that I can practice in a way that shows lovingkindness toward myself.

The 5 Principles of Reiki

2009-09-06T13:01:00.000-07:00

"The secret method of inviting good fortune.

The marvelous medicine for all sickness

Just for today:

Do not be angry

Do not worry

Be grateful

Work with integrity

Be kind to others.

Every night try to sit with hands in namaste and recite this out loud to yourself.

Mother Teresa Quote

2009-06-27T22:23:00.000-07:00

Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary.

What we need is to love without getting tired.

How does a lamp burn? Through the continuous input of small drops of oil...

Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.

~ Mother Teresa

John and Tirzah Wear's Wedding Sunday, June 14th, 2009

2009-06-15T15:57:00.000-07:00

I thought it might rain on my way to the wedding.
My husband is waiting for me, leaning on the bumper of
his black pick up truck. I am extremely glad to see him.
I have 2 purses full, of makeup and hair care products,
the other with regular purse junk. Plus I have my book,
The Essential Rumi, as well as my small notebook with
the order of the service, some notes and my wedding
mantra in it with the translation. Basically, my lifeline.

I find my mother and have her pin my gorgeous bright pink
calla lily corsage onto the short sleeved sweater that I am wearing
over my beige, block patterned sundress. The day begins
to brighten. We walk to where the wedding guests are all
seated. I am completely filled with calmness and love and
feel full of the present moment.

The bride is running late. Children start to assemble with bubble
blowers and noise makers for when she comes down the aisle.
Someone says, "I see the bride." Everyone sort of assembles,
themselves, the groom, the best man and I at the arbor, waiting.

The ceremony begins as I greet the guests to celebrate the union
of the happy couple. I read a poem, tell a story, a beautiful woman
with a voice from the gods sings, the bride and groom read their vows
I ask if they really do want to marry each other. They both say,
"I do." I chant a mantra for peace. I say, "You may now kiss
the bride." I introduce the happy newly wed couple as Mr. & Mrs.

Later, much later, after food has been put away and chairs folded
and returned and I have changed into my regular me clothes, I sit
in the car and suddenly I am stunned by what has just happened.
I have committed a spiritual act, brought two souls together in
harmonious union. I feel drained to my toes of my life's essence.
I go to bed and sleep profoundly.

Something You Mentioned

2009-06-01T04:33:00.000-07:00

Something you mentioned
the other day about
meeting in the field
of knowing and not-knowing
and there, finding love
has stuck in my head.
I couldn't help but think
that this was not the love
of the dance between
two lovers. But rather the
dance of loving ourselves
through watching and
not watching, seeing and not-
seeing.

How did we come to find
that field? Surely we did not
walk or run or fly there. It
rests deep inside the core
of our very being, the reflection
in the mirror of our consciousness.
When we look do we find true love?
I found it once, reflected in the face
of a true knower, a seer. I threw
my earthly possessions away, caring
only to prostrate myself to the one
whom I had met on that field.
In his eyes, I met my true Self.

Only after going deep inside,
unlocking the body,
through the eyes and breath.
Holding, releasing, surrendering.
A journey of a thousand miles
that began without a single
footstep. And I found my way
to clear vision; saw and felt
the way the gods must see
and feel. Clearly and with
perfect love.

New/Old Website

2009-05-23T14:22:00.000-07:00

Hi,

If you check out this blog, check out my website at www.yogawithkyrsten.com

Peace,

Kyrsten

Green Chili Saturday

2009-02-28T11:51:00.000-08:00

Nothing can bring back nostalgic memories of high minded dinners in Austin like cooking up a batch of green chili - as taught, or passed on to me by my friend Jay the archeologist and former cook in New Mexico. It's impossible to get real green chiles here unless you call up a certain restaurant and ask them to sell you a package of frozen green chiles. Otherwise you have to use the mild canned ones which totally don't work. We always drank rioja wine. Sometimes we ate outside and sometimes inside. Sometimes I made the chili and sometimes Jay. Maybe one of the last times Jay made it for me was for my birthday and I kept raving about how good it was. Now this was when I was a very strict, ovo-lacto vegetarian. Jay would just chuckle. Finally at the end of the meal he confessed that he'd made it with lard. I pretended to be super mad, but how could I be when he had cooked me one of the finest meals I'd ever had in my life. So if you have great food and think it's the love - think again - it might be the lard!
Yesterdays practice was all about the love. I got to mysore class a little late and the usual teacher wasn't there, but that was ok. And someone who basically "defriended" me was, but that was ok too. I was there for the practice. Since I was late, I only made it up to baddhakonasana before moving to closing. I probably could have gone faster and finished, but that wasn't really my point last night. My "goal" was just to show up and have a good time, go deep inside and really connect with my deeper self. I like to think that I accomplished that, though I was a little restless in final resting pose. Well, every day is different, every practice, every green chili :)

The Smile of Non-Fear Part 2

2009-02-21T16:41:00.000-08:00

For some reason I've decided to name this post the Smile of Non-Fear part 2 or Starting Over. I feel as though when I went to Hawaii I received a real spiritual gift -- faith. I've started praying to a higher power - a god - God whatever is out there. I don't really have any idea what it is except that it dwells in most people and is everywhere and part of everything. Once I visited a non-demoniational chapel in Houston that had all of these paintings by that painter who paints the canvas just one color and these were all black or almost black I forget how many and you just sat there and contemplated these paintings, or not and I felt the presence of a higher power then and that has been the only other time. Now it is just there and I pray to it and I feel better. It's a simple formula, I guess that's why it's sold so well all of these years.
Practiced primary with a dear friend tonight - I know - a Saturday - who cares, I wanted to practice. It was good. Not my best, but in the flow and with a good balance of ease and effort. It worked, that's what matters.

Time flies...

2009-01-12T14:46:00.000-08:00

(Yoga Hanalei)

(Emma's cottage amongst tropical fruit trees)

After the whirlwind of the holidays (why does it have to be a whirlwind - I always think it should be relaxing and fun and it's not) I had nothing but migraines with this hideous Columbus, Ohio weather. I'm sorry, I hate to be negative, but I really hate winter in Ohio. I really love fall, but winter slays me. Luckily we are leaving for paradise (Kauai, HI) on Saturday. I never forget how the air feels softer and you can smell the tropical plants and flowers floating on the sweet breezes. I always take a light sweatshirt to cover up with early in the morning and in the evening and the smell of Hawaii stays on it for months. Aaaaahhh! That is what I am living for right now.

That and oddly enough, the new job that I started. Just as I was getting a bit burnt out teaching yoga full time; chasing dollars instead of living in the moment and focusing on the ancient teachings that I was passing down to my dedicated students, grace entered my life in the form of a job offer for a job that I'd forgotten I'd applied for months before. I was a bit hesitant at first. Could I go back to the routine of 9-5 in an office? Turn in my comfy yoga clothes for my trendy, name-brand clothes that I had once loved so much? Give up bare feet for panty hose and pumps, albeit patent leather Cole Haan pumps with Nike Air that I had lusted after - very un-yogicly. But does being a yogi mean that you can't take pleasure in dressing nicely? I would argue not. Yogi's are supposed to be impeccable in words, thoughts, deeds and appearance. I simply enjoy looking nice and think it's part of good customer service and a way of gaining respect from one's co-workers, supervisors and the people that I supervise. I don't dress sloppily for yoga class, whether I am a teacher or student, why would I do so in other areas of my life.

Anyway, I love my new job. As a matter of fact, the steady schedule and reduced teaching hours have replenished my love of teaching and practicing yoga and I've felt more energized than ever. Another funny thing happened, I suddenly gave up attachment to the outcome of my yoga practice and stopped judging each practice as "good" or "bad." Now it is just practice. A way to lighten my body and deepen my mind and spirit. A means to an end (samadhi) as it should be. My job is somewhat high stress, although I am rather laid back compared to most of the people that work there (thanks to yoga) and so I look forward to every practice, every chance to meditate and begin concentrating on my ujjayi breath. And my job is very essential to the outpatient breast health clinic. As a supervisor to the registration staff, facilities manager and sort of all around gal Friday, people greeted me warmly on my first day. Quite the opposite from my last job, where no one really knew why I was there and the doctors saw me as someone who was there to make them do something they didn't want to do.

And then there is my trip to Kauai in 4 days. It is supposed to be extremely cold here this week, so it will make our arrival there that much more sweet. Even though I have to leave my precious angel puppies and kitty. And I have a newly renovated yoga studio with a wonderful teacher to look forward to and nothing to do but do yoga every morning, get breakfast and then decide if we want to go to the beach with a picnic and books, go hiking or maybe shopping if there is rain. Or just chill out in our little bungalow, named "Emma's" cottage, reading books and relaxing. Aloha and namaste.

(Polihale beach)

My favoritist toy that I ever got for Christmas

2008-12-28T18:47:00.000-08:00

Thank you Tim!!!!

Bucky does not love the flash

Dad and bro'

my new 'do

Peace and love to all in the New Year!!!!

The Noble Eightfold Path: Part 1 Right View

2008-11-18T10:31:00.000-08:00

1. Existence means suffering.
2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
3. The cessation of suffering can be attained.
4. The path to the end of suffering is the Noble 8 Fold Path.
--The 4 Noble Truths of the Buddha

I hear you in my dreams as a song
If only I were awake
then could I see your true being?
Would I be able to walk the path
beside you?

The melody so beautiful
like nothing I had heard before.
Like water cascading down
a mountain stream.
The stones are worn smooth
by centuries of knowing.

These trees stripped bare
of their branches so that one
can see them naked and exposed.
Winter trees unafraid of laying bare
their truth so that we may
learn form and shape.

To understand that all things
must change, be born, die.
That to become attached
is no longer an option.

Come, come whoever you are

2008-11-03T13:32:00.000-08:00

Come, come, whoever you are.
Wonderer, worshipper, lover of leaving.
It doesn't matter
Ours is not a caravan of despair.
Come, even if you have broken your vow
a thousand times
Come, come yet again.
Rumi

You have always wandered my life
as a thought, a description of
some other thing. I always wanted
only one thing, never wavering
ever faithful. But something in you
never recognizes me. I shake you and
shout "Here I am, come back to me.
I have always been right here at the
end of this dusty road, across the ocean,
down one way streets, at the end of the
world." But you always forget.

And then sometimes there is this wonderer
And it becomes a thing in itself, a thought,
a being. Then sometimes you come back
but it is too late. We have continued
our journey across oceans, down one way
streets. We become lost. Because the other
was only ever a thought anyway.
And then as soon as I am lost
you forget again.

And then the worshipper of dreams
comes alive and then you really
remember and almost even
wake up. Have a conversation
and leave. Leave me be so that
I might live. And everyone says
I love you. But tragically, the
image remains poorly described
and fades away, only ever
seeing itself through my eyes.

Then there is an energy, movement,
reality and you are gone, lover of leaving.
I am free and don't need to wait at the end of
dusty roads, in forgotten hiding places,
unmapped highways, across oceans.
And now I can't even remember if
this song is for you.

First kiss

2008-11-02T11:38:00.000-08:00

“The end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and to know the place for the first time.”
T.S. Eliot, The Wasteland

Beautiful autumn morning
every day you think the trees
can't possibly get more brilliant
and then they do.
I drive down the street breathing
in the colors of the trees
driving past places I used to live,
get drunk, walk my dog,
fall in love.

I used to think that the beauty
of the mid autumn sun
falling through the trees
was all that was required.
Then other things got in the way
and I could not see the sun
the way it falls at that particular
angle - reminding us that suffering
will occur if we do not pay attention
to the beauty of the light amongst
the leaves in this present moment.

How is it possible to know what is
truly in the heart of another?
Wanting this will surely bring
great suffering. It is best to know
what is in your own heart first.
There is still great mystery in
this moment. To turn inside and
to know your true self, that is what
the light asks of us.

Stop longing after something
you will never have, never know.
Walk past places
you have lived, read a book, stayed
up all night, kissed someone for the
first time. Watch the leaves turn,
as they do every year, see that one
that is a pure burst of crimson.
And pay attention to the light,
how it slants through the trees
and touches us more softly.

From you I craved compassion

2008-10-27T18:55:00.000-07:00

Compassion Mantra

From you I craved compassion
That was indeed the source of
my suffering.
I accept this pain that you have
given me.
It is my teacher.
What is the teacher? Is it
the Practice? the Journey?
self study? Contentment, purity.
Why do you ask?
Indeed, why do you ask.
Do you think I've nothing to do
all day but this? Willingly sacrifice
my selfishness.

Because from you I craved compassion
and you were my teacher.
Having already learned that lesson
from the pain of walking through
Shiva's fire
other times. Burning away the afflictions
of delusion and unawareness.
I accept this pain that you have given me.
You are my teacher.
I will practice.
I will study.
I will walk on dusty roads.
Can I possibly elevate myself
that much? Certainly nothing
is worth that. Unless that
is the only choice

Because I found compassion within
You showed me the way
pointed right to it.
Of course it was there all
the time. That's beside the point.
Because you took the bottle
and opened it.
And I had not even seen it before.
Because now the stars will never
look the same.
And your eyes.
Sometimes the architecture
of our relationship seems
incoherent.
And then I look at the stars.

The Dream of non-Suffering

2008-10-13T19:39:00.000-07:00

Somehow you grabbed my soul
formerly protected soft and safe
within the area behind my heart
(Where souls usually reside)
and with a stiff brush you washed
it clean.
When you gave it back to me it was
rough and raw.
It had a few holes that needed
patching and I would have to
grow new pieces of soul to
fill in the gaps.

Twisting, bending I opened my heart
to you. That's how you got in when I
wasn't looking. You told me that it was
a journey.
I took the first step, the second and third
and before long it was as if I was in a dream
beyond a dream. There you were, though
I couldn't see you, only hear, "let go, don't
struggle, the pain is not really there."

I tried to stay deep within the state
of non-waking. Attachment to my
dream life drawing me in and soothing
my tortured soul. Until the end of the world
I would sleep. But no you said, I could not
become attached to the dream. It wasn't real.
And I couldn't become attached to what
was real either. It is the only way to end
suffering and the illusion that we are
the mind.
And I gave you back my soul.
And now I stay awake.

Nearly the full moon

2008-10-12T19:23:00.000-07:00

I walk between Sun and Moon.
I walk between unbridled passion
and strict renunciation. Closer to god...
I walk between Heaven and Earth.
When the mind understands
itself then enlightenment is achieved.

Until then, practice
saluting the sun... most mornings.
Opening heart mind soul body
to the elements, to the Ether
to the journey.

Who else can undertake it?
Can you clear my thoughts
so I can rest my consciousness
on itself?
Can you calm the whirls of mind-stuff?
Where is the jungle doctor
to suck the poison of past knowing?

When we lie down at night and close our eyes
we are all alone as if we were
in the grave. Take rest until you are ready
for savasana.
In true love abides the third truth
For which we are all searching.

Rebirth

2008-09-27T18:51:00.000-07:00

We sit and talk of matters
we cannot know to be true.
But, we are fascinating and
we create stories that are more
than real. We have felt the movement
the sweat of two bodies one strong
supple. The other bending cracking.
Who are you? I have felt you made of
the ether, of nothing and everything.
Heard your voice and understood.

Yet still my ego will judge you and I
will be jealous and enlightenment
will not come. This storm will pass
but there will be no peace but the peace
that comes with rebirth and possibility.
The new moon. We rest. How do we
practice the stillness that humility demands?

Listening to Yoga Matrix on Saturday Afternoon

2008-09-27T12:16:00.000-07:00

Hey there,

Man with porches that look over
Colorado mountain sunsets
or sunrises, I don't know which.
I got my yoga groove back
so happiness and freedom are mine again.
Regardless of space and time
reality. Got my feet on the ground and my head
is in the practice.
Searching for the wisdom
living within the patterns of movement
body and breath.
Living the opposites that are given to me
by the universe, silent.
The universe, from which I cannot be separated.
Is it vast and uncaring? Am I?
Smiling the smile of non-fear.

My favorite teacher says that it is not important that your teacher thinks he is a guru, it is only important that you think he is a guru.

Finally the Truth

2008-09-14T07:55:00.001-07:00

This is for you LG

Infinite Jest

2008-09-13T20:43:00.000-07:00

9/13/2008.

RIP David Foster Wallace

You got us all.

A true literary genius
of my life time.

Your words and contribution to arts and letters will be missed.

Nothing is born, nothing dies
Nothing to hold on to, nothing to release.
Samsara is nirvana.
There is nothing to attain.
TNH

Over the Rainbow

2008-04-27T15:44:00.000-07:00

I practiced Rocket 2 with my roommate yesterday. I really tore me up after a few nice days of primary - perhaps too comfortable with primary. Looking back, perhaps it was telling me that I need to step up my daily practice a bit. Today after teaching a pretty good modified primary class I came home and just crashed - under the covers and everything. I thought maybe and hour would refresh me, but I woke up at 4 and I was supposed to go observe a Hatha1 class at one of the studio classes where I teach and I had a tiny headache and was still exhausted so I just said that I couldn't go and came back to bed. I think there is a weather front coming through. I am still sore from practice yesterday. I'll get up for mysore tomorrow. Tomorrow the day I really pull out all the stops.

I am quitting my day job and trying to go part-time and teaching to support myself. Of course there is another income in our family, so we're not going completely over the deep end. At first I had so many doubts that it was hardly worth the stress of leaving my stressful job. But now that my decision is sinking in and with much support from my husband and my entire family, I now feel an inner peace that I may never have felt before.

Ironically, when I was in teacher training, my mentor asked if I was going to be one of those crazy people who try to make a living as a yoga teacher and run around to all sorts of yoga shalas, gyms and clubs teaching whatever, where ever and trying to stay true to my own practice - and I said no - I just wanted to teach one or two classes to make a little extra money. Then I learned how much I loved teaching and that continuing in a job that I hated and felt was making me physically, mentally and spiritually ill was far worse running all over town chasing elusive yoga jobs before some other teacher could get to them.

Whatever happens I am chasing my dream - chasing rainbows - which I have never done before. I've never given into anything risky, even if I thought it could bring me true happiness. I've always chosen the safe route. But now I'm taking the advice I'm always giving my students when they try arm balances for the first time - don't be afraid of falling on your face, or learn to tuck and roll.

Peace out

I can't believe it

2008-04-19T09:07:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that I haven't blogged since New Year's Day. So much has happened that I can't even describe it all. Needless to say, I haven't felt that I had the time to journal it, and much of it I didn't want to record at all. Too much pain, anger and frustration, betrayal, mistakes. But in the end forgiveness, new beginnings and all for the better. Ultimately, I left my old studio where I had begun and intended, hoped to begin teaching, for the big, shiny studio down the street that I never thought I would go to. I had always thought the big, shiny studio was just a yoga churning machine, but it's not. It turns out that it is just well run and filled with love and grace and has helped to transform me into this much softer, easier, more balanced person with a renewed dedication to my practice.

A big part of my renewed dedication and transformation has come from a 5 day workshop with the person whom I've come to consider my guru, Tim Miller. My husband and I did the "Classical Ashtanga weekend," which was really nice to share together and definitely renewed his dedication to the practice and strengthened our bond (if that's even possible.) Then came the three days where Tim says he's going to let the practice chew us up and spit us back out. I was already a little sore from practicing so vigorously over the weekend - putting in a little more effort than I might normally have. But Monday's Primary Series felt great, everything was open from the weekend and although I was sore, I felt that I was gaining more and more strength. I dreaded Tuesday because I knew we would be doing Second Series which I don't practice because I haven't passed the final test of dropping back into a backbend on my own. If I hadn't taken off a month from the trauma of switching studios, I might be there, but who knows.

The backbends of Second Series felt wonderful. Tim helped me get further into Bekasana which is where I usually stop. Then we did Laguvadrasana - I did a decent version. Then we did a bunch of "research" poses before coming into Kapotasana. I don't usually stress about Kapotasana, because I'm usually not even very close. But when I started to go into it, I felt my back soften and I felt something in my front body open and I kept moving my head and hands closer to my feet until I felt a toe, at which point I yelled out "I feel a toe!" The people on either side of me were trying to help me get my hands to my feet because everything was so slippery. Suddenly, Tim came over and said, "Kyrsten, don't get up!" And he took my hands and I opened my front body as much as I could and he put my hands on my heels. Unfortunately, I did not come up in the traditional was, but collapsed into supta virasana. Ah well, next time!

I was completely invigorated and looking forward to the 3rd day which I thought would be a mixture of Primary and Second Series Poses. But no, the tricky monkey had us doing 3rd series arm balances, many of which you enter from headstand. It was incredible. I did King Dancer, which I have never done and Eka Pada Raj Kapotasana - incredibly, somehow. As we were lying in savasana, Tim said that we might experience some untying of knots and have some emotional releases. Well, at lunch I started having emotional releases all over the place. I started crying over something with my roommate and telling her I loved her and just bawling all over the place. Finally I got it together, but I was exhausted. Then I went to a therapy session and cried the whole time, but not in a really sad way, just in a cathartic way. Then, when Tim came to pick me up, I started crying again and telling him how much I loved him. Yes, I would say I had a release. I also had this desire to make great changes in my life, but more on that later.

New Year's Day Practice etc...

2008-01-01T11:35:00.000-08:00

So a friend sent me an invitation to join a group call WoYoPracMo. The purpose is to inspire people to practice everyday for the month of January. At first I freaked out - what about moon days I said! But you just have to come to your mat for a minimum of 10 minutes a day, and we can do a yin practice for moon days. The site seems really positive to me and I've invited a couple of other people. The woman who set up the site calls herself Yogamum and is very sweet.

I practiced this morning with my teacher and mentor. I had never just practiced with him before and I was excited to have this time with him. We both practiced primary series, but he started before I was done stretching. It was nice just to be practicing beside him - I felt a very calm and open energy and my practice felt calm and open - expansive. I completely focused on the sound of my breath. I wasn't shaky like I can be sometimes. We both ended up finishing at the same time and had a nice, long savasana. It was a great way to start the New Year and my goal to practice daily this month.

Then I came home and called a friend from whom I have been estranged, but who had recently sent me an e-mail saying that she felt it would be a positive thing if our paths crossed. I was supposed to see her and her family at a party last night, New Year's Eve, but I wasn't feeling well and ended up staying home and watching The Pianist (wow!). I had spoken with her and we decided that I might stop over at her house today. I called her after my practice. I was still in that serene and peaceful post yoga glow, but that quickly faded during the course of our conversation. She had sent me an e-mail saying that she didn't feel that it was a good idea for me to come over. We talked for a long time and I honestly did not understand where she was coming from. I accepted that she needed to cut me off for a bit, but I explained in detail how I have changed. In the end we both decided to communicate through e-mail for now and I gave her the link to this blog.

I was so hurt during and after the end of our conversation. I felt so rejected by someone that I love - someone with whom I thought I had a real connection. But I have to accept where she is and where I am and let it be what it is. Here is the stanza that I am studying in "Understanding Our Mind"

Store consciousness is neither the same nor different,
individual or collective.
Same and different inter-are.
Collective and individual give rise to each other.

So no matter what, we are all connected and it is best to send love and light to all with whom I come in contact.

My horoscope for today: Tuesday, January 1... Libra
You might be eager to shake up some old routines in your life in order to create a greater sense of freedom and independence for yourself. And many things could be taking on a feeling of newness for you right now, including the way that you relate to many of the key people in your life.

My husband said they were spying on me :) I don't make resolution, because I feel that they set you up for failure, but I really did feel a lot of truth in that horoscope and a sense of great hope for the New Year.

Blessings, Truth and Happiness for the New Year.

Reality?

2007-12-29T06:15:00.000-08:00

So, I am still dealing with a knee injury that I suffered about 3 weeks ago. I have to take a long time to stretch it out before practice or lotus is not an option, and I haven't attempted Mari D on the left, although, my Mari C on the bad knee (right) came back yesterday, so tomorrow I will attempt Mari D. Something my teacher/mentor said last week totally resonated with me. I think we were in Upavista Konasana which is not my favorite pose, but he has really helped me go deeper into it. He said something to the effect of "ignore the messages that the skin sends to your brain, because if you listen to them you will get stuck." I have been known to push to hard and it has hampered my practice many times. But pushing hard is your mind, your ego wanting to get into the pose. Ignoring the sensations of the skin is getting out of your mind and letting the body go where it needs to go and both the body and mind end up going deeper. Then my practice got a little spotty due to illness, migraines and the holidays, but I feel like now I am back on track and will enter the New Year with renewed vision and feeling for my practice.

I am also closely studying the second book of the Yoga Sutras for a project for a 100 hour teacher training that I am undertaking. I have read it before, but now I see how much it applies to the practice, to life. Seeking non-attachment and realizing that reality is subjective, I hope to lift myself and others around me. Already, a friend from whom I was estranged (not by my choice) has invited me back into her life. It filled me with such joy because we had been so close and shared so many things and then she had a baby, and I do not have any children, and things just started to fall apart in our relationship. I couldn't be there like she wanted me too and I think we both missed our carefree days of shopping on the weekends and having dinner parties and all the things that go along with being childless. I think that I couldn't relate to her new life and being so close, it hurt her tremendously and so she had to cut me out of her life. But now we have another chance and I hope this New Year brings peace and happiness to all of my friends and loved ones.

Practice

2007-12-07T13:16:00.000-08:00

I was practicing last week. I was feeling very good. I was working deep into backbends and forward bends and I felt like I was moving to a new level and becoming lighter in body and spirit.
Then my ego took over in one class and torqued my knee, heard a pop and that was it. The next day every thing hurt. It hurt to walk, my practice was a wreck and so was I. I was trying to be good to my knee and stretch things I thought were tight and working 10 hours a day and assisting in classes. I took a day off and went back a little better. Then one day I woke up and I didn't want to go to mysore; my head was pounding and I was tired to the bone. I went to work and it was worse. My head was so heavy and my thoughts and my voice were dark. I only wanted to lay down, but I wanted to practice too. I felt as though my body was trying to rob me of my practice. But a little voice in my head - which turned into the voice of my teachers said - maybe this is your body telling you to take a break and you'll come back stronger. But what I really need to learn is to humble my ego - which laying in bed feeling sick will do. So I guess until then, I'll just wait with patience and humility, until my body and mind are ready to progress together.

My cat died and suddenly I believed in the existence of a Soul

2007-11-30T19:06:00.000-08:00

That pretty much says it. I have never believed that we, humans, are anything more than a bunch of chemical reaction and nerve impulses; that when we die we become food for worms and that the only "afterlife" lies in the memories of those who continue to live beyond us. But my cat got a brain tumor and when he was sick, before we knew what was wrong I looked into his eyes and saw something there that was beyond scientific explanation. I thought, "this cat has a soul and he is going to be reincarnated in an even more enlightened form." That was it. I suddenly believed, after all of these years of staunch atheism, I experienced faith.
Then I realized that if I believed that we have a soul, then I had better find mine.

Equanimity

2007-11-25T16:53:00.000-08:00

One would expect in a yoga community, especially within one studio, that the students would naturally bond together to support each other. We all study the yamas and niyamas, we're all taught that the purpose of yoga is to truly be in the present moment. One would hope that we would carry that off the mat as well. I have tried to cultivate compassion and equanimity in my life when I realized - after several people pointed it out to me - that I had a tendency to be stubborn and inflexible.
The meditation teacher in our teacher training introduced us to Buddhism and I have been studying and practicing intently for the past year. Oddly enough, some people have fallen away from me, while others have returned, or new people have come into my life. Whenever I find something bothering me I have learned to truly look into the root of what is bothering me. Often it is trivial and I can shrug it off instead of obsessing over it for days as I once did.
But it still bothers me when I observe those people in the yoga community acting in a "non-yogic" way.
Lately I have encountered shameless gossip, outright anger directed to trying to humiliate other students or teachers and petty, small snubs that are boring and pointless. Can I shrug these things off and concentrate on my mat, my breath and drishti? With the exception of the intense anger I have been successful and feel that I have learned something truly valuable in my studies and practices. But anger. Hot, burning anger directed at someone that I love. That I can ignore and focus on helping those who have been the object of anger.
I ask any yogi - what purpose does anger serve? One of my teachers gave me a valuable lesson when he says that the Dalai Lama can go on smiling, even as the Chinese government has forced him into exile and not say one negative thing against the Chinese government. That made me realize that any discomfort I might feel is nothing in comparison. May all those who practice yoga learn as Thich Naht Hanh teaches to "take care of your anger" by embracing it and directing all the love in your heart toward that anger until you can let it go. May we all learn to water the seeds of compassion within us and, as my favorite teacher says, allow yoga "to let us live in the world with equanimity." T.M.

Humility

2007-10-27T13:12:00.000-07:00

This week was one of the worst weeks I've had for a long time. It seemed no matter what I did it backfired and I was attached to every negative experience and couldn't seem to let it go. I finally achieved a moment of peace when I sat down to meditate on Thursday and no matter how much I tried to focus on my breath, negative thoughts just kept creeping back in. I could not turn off the chatter despite all of my efforts. Perhaps the efforts were part of the problem.
Finally I gave up and went and got a book that I had just purchased called "Taming the Tiger Within" by Thicht Naht Hanh that had little meditations for dealing with difficult emotions. The first one was about the root of our suffering being our anger. I repeated that over and over again and finally found some peace. I think it took me the better part of an hour.
I realized how attached I was to my anger and I knew that I was angry because other people weren't living up to my expectations. This is why other people had gotten angry with me in the past - for having expectations, for clinging to the past. So I am stuck in this samskara of anger and more anger, but hopefully recognition is the first step to release.
This morning a friend and I did what was for me a very difficult yoga series. I was sweating profusely even though it wasn't that hot. I was sweating hot anger that I didn't need anymore. And instead of struggling as I normally would in a difficult series and comparing myself with other people in my head, I realized that I could open up just a little more with every breath and instead of gripping I tried to just let go.
I realized that I have to replace my anger with humility. Compassion is always there, or should be anyway. Obviously I lost sight of that as well. But, I think the true lesson that I learned this week was the need to be humble in all situations, to let go of my fierce ego and to be in the present moment.

Compassion

2007-10-24T07:47:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to put real compassion into use lately. The kind of compassion where you put others before yourself. I believe this to be the essence of Buddhism and the Dharma. It isn't always easy but it essential to our lives. Thich Naht Hahn writes, " Compassion is the only energy that can help us connect with another person." It is full of love, mindfulness and understanding to the nth degree. I never would have thought that I had it in me before I began my "spiritual" journey to Buddhism, but it has shown me a true way of living that to be any other way makes me physically ill. Sometimes I wish that I had found this path if yoga and Buddhism long ago, before making my body and mind so rigid with running and other things, but then this wouldn't be my path. And I truly cherish every step.

Dedicated to: LHG & TCR

Other people's dreams are so boring...

2007-09-02T10:18:00.000-07:00

But lately I've been having dreams like I've never dreamt before. I have to attribute it to my practice and to my studying of Buddhism and meditation. I just had to post this one because it was so universally true, but, as I said above, I won't over indulge because unless you're a psychotherapist, mostly other people's dreams are truly mundane and boring.

It started out that I was walking through a poor neighborhood and it had snowed and frozen and there were all of these squirrels and other small animals frozen in the snow. There were no people, no signs of life anywhere. As I continued to walk it got sunnier and sunnier and people started to come out of their houses and dig out the snow and the animals started coming to life and cats started coming out and chasing the squirrels. (My cat does that all the time.) Eventually all the snow melted and it was dry and it wasn't cold. I reached a house that was run down, but seemed familiar. I went in through the back door. I seemed I had been walking down the alley behind all of these houses. Do I entered the back door of this house and it was instantly familiar to me, but it didn't seem to be where I lived. I walked through the house and out on to the front porch and I saw a copy of my favorite book, but I don't remember what it was, I just knew that it was my most beloved book. And there were all of these people who were happy that I had gotten there, but they didn't rush to greet me, they just went on doing what they were doing. Some were talking, some were playing cards or something. There was incense burning. And I remember it was this enormous screened in porch kind of run down, but very comfortable.

I looked out side and there was this endless landscape of just a green field as far as the eye could see. I opened the door to leave the porch to try to go home and I ended up right back inside the porch. I looked out and saw the same landscape and I said to myself aha! this is where I belong. Inside is the same as outside. It wasn't that I couldn't get to the outside, it was that I didn't need to. In my dream I had this overwhelming sense of understanding everything about inside and outside and how we are all part of the whole and I sort of lingered in that space for a while even though I realized that I was dreaming at this point, but it was very comforting.

Peace

Eat, shop, practice

2007-08-25T20:07:00.000-07:00

For a long time now I've had issues with headaches and this strange cranial neuralgia, similar to trigeminal neuralgia, but it's not in the right place, so the doctors won't call it that. Whatever. They've tried every medicine under the sun, taken me off of them (sometimes painfully) and now my latest venture has been to an alternative medicine doctor, and, not that I don't believe that diet can and does influence your health, however, this MD put me on a diet of steamed white rice, broccoli and tomatoes. If I wasn't a vegetarian, the tomatoes would be replaced by lamb - gross. Plus about 10 or so supplements 4 times a day. When I was in the office, I thought, "this is o.k., I can do this for a week and then I'll add some fruit." I went to the yoga studio and was talking to a couple of the teachers and told them about this doctor and they seemed a little skeptical.

Now, you have to understand, I am a one woman supporter of the pharmaceutical companies. If I could do anything to change that I am willing to try. Well, the yoga studio wasn't having classes because there was a broken water main, so I came home to practice primary series. I got through sun salutations and bent down to grab my toes for padangustasana and just sat down and started to cry. I just felt completely overwhelmed. What more could I do? It seemed the next doctor would propose a lobotomy, or blood letting or something like drilling a hole in my head to release the pressure. Finally I composed myself and meditated for a long time and Tim made me some steamed rice, broccoli and tomatoes which I gagged on and almost choked on the broccoli.

The next day I took rice to work. And after work I went to led primary and felt weak, but not horrible. That night I think I quit the diet, deciding it was insane. The MD had given me another list of foods if this was "too much." The next day I ate canteloupe and went shopping and spent gobs of money, more than I've ever spent at once and practice pranayama, yin and primary series and taught a private lesson. Maybe I could live on shopping and yoga :) and a little fruit and water. I guess I just didn't realize how truly attached I am to food. I never thought I was until it was taken away just like that. Perhaps we can never know how attached we truly are to things until they're taken away. We can always talk about non-attachment and say "oh I have these things, but I don't need them, I'm not attached to them, I know they're not ME." But how do we really and truly know these things? I ate the rice and broccoli tonight and it wasn't as bad - especially when I cooked it.

The importance of being steady

2007-08-22T17:25:00.000-07:00

I went for 2 days after a wonderful workshop with Bhavani Maki. Today at work I had no energy, no ambition. I felt completely detached from work. I realized that I haven't gone for that long without practicing for that long in a while. I had no idea how important my practice was to my body and mind. Maybe not more important than breathing or drinking, but almost more important than eating (to a point - I'm not anorexic). My practice tonight was in that zone where you're not even thinking, the body just takes over with the breath and they move together. It completely refreshed me, renewed me. Thank heavens for the practice. Namaste.

Catching up

2007-08-13T09:31:00.000-07:00

Soooooooo.......

A friend of mine pointed out that I haven't updated my blog for about a million years. (Oh yeah, that's something about me, I love to exaggerate.) My excuses were that I had been finishing my teacher training (yoga of course) and then when that was done we found out that we had to teach 8 classes and 2 private sessions plus complete a 100 question test by September 9th. I had planned on beginning a 100 hour mentorship with one of the Ashtanga teachers at our studio and found that I had to complete all of this before I can go on. The rest of the students have a year. So this past week I actually got 4 of my classes done. One of them was teaching a Primary series class to a bunch of the teachers from our studio. Talk about nerve wracking. While I was trying to meditate and center myself before class the hatha class that was in the other room comes banging in with chairs and all these props that they had to put away in the room where we were practicing. The good and gracious yogi in me helped them, but the bad yogi in me said why are you distracting my quiet centering time - you would freak if I did that to you! But I mad the bad yogi be silent and soon the good yogi took over as the students began to filter into the room.

Let's say I made the best of it. I gave some adjustments, I got the sequence correct, got a lot of the sanskrit correct, but counting to 5 at the same pace for 2 hours is much harder than I thought, especially when you are nervous. I got a lot of support and positive feed back from everyone in the class except for my current and future mentor who had to rush off and I haven't heard from since. I'm trying desperately not to be attached to whatever he has to say or thought about the practice, but part of me feels like if he were compassionate he would know that I care what he says more than anyone else. I couldn't make it to class yesterday or today because I had food poisoning and I called him once (or twice) and e-mailed him and asked him to call or e-mail me. I've gotten feedback from everyone else in the class.

It's funny. Last Friday I was having a really hard time in class. I was angry or something and in samokonasana I just put my head down on my towel and started to cry a little bit. I got it together and was able to go on and even felt a little better. I sort of wanted to do drop backs, but for some reason the teacher didn't seem to feel I was there that day. In fact after back bends he had me sit in virasana. I thought he meant supta and he said, no, just virasana and gave me a block to sit on. I told him that I could do it without the block and he asked if it hurt and I said yes and he said then use the block. He said - everyone knows that you're very good at creating more pain for yourself. You don't have to prove that. And I felt like he was being very compassionate and understanding and I started to get tears in my eyes and I just wanted him to walk away so I didn't say anything else.

But having gotten half of my classes taught feels like a huge load has been lifted. I have a couple of possibilities for my private sessions and at least 3 more classes lined up, more likely 4, so I should be good to go. I did learn that I know more than I think I know in some areas and less in others which isn't so odd. A lot of people told me that I seemed "natural" which I suppose is a complement - it sounded nice. And then the food poisoning or whatever. I cannot eat greasy, complex foods anymore. I kind of like that. It means that all of this Ashtanga work of purifying my body has done something. Speaking of which - I'm off to get an Acai smoothie with my hubby. Yummmmmmmmm.

Nothing to hold on to

2007-07-30T17:41:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling a bit betrayed by my body usually. I had gotten to a point where if I asked it to do something I could pretty much feel the muscles that I needed to engage in order to make that happen. Not that I'm an advanced practitioner, but I was starting to feel a little bit more ease in the primary series - like I might get my feet over my head in Bhujapidasana soon, or stand up from back bend. These things seemed within reach. Which might be the problem - I reached.

I had that one really bad practice and I backed off and did yin for several days. It seemed like all of my Ashtanga muscle memory went out the door of the studio. No air in my jump backs, my back bends are flat and my old hamstring attachment feels like it's on fire. Today I was trying to practice without pain in my hamstring and I was struggling to even grab my foot in forward bends. The day before I had been next to this new woman who had hamstrings of noodles and thank god I had read about egolessness right before class because if I hadn't kept telling myself to put my ego aside I would have run crying from the room.

Today my teacher told me that it was o.k. to lean into the pain a little bit. Sort of mindfully go into it, rather than grip and tense up and try to get around it. I tried it tonight for a short while and completely understood what he was saying and I was able to to let go in some places and work with the pain so that it was more discomfort than "OH MY GOD THIS KILLS!" Besides today was the full moon so I think that got into my head that I shouldn't be practicing and I was just there to be there.

Tomorrow, I'm leaving my ego at the door and doing my full practice. Peeling away the layers like an onion to find true consciousness. Mindfully approaching the practice so that it can nourish my body and my mind. But not gripping or grasping, not reaching or trying to attain. That does truly cause all of my suffering and if I can't learn to do yoga without learning those lessons then I might as well not do it at all. That is how important it is to lose the ego and just breathe.

Getting Ready for Class/Finding the Way

2007-07-29T07:04:00.000-07:00

When is the full moon? I thought it was yesterday, but then someone told me it was tomorrow. I was reading Thich Nhat Hanh "Understanding Our Mind" and everything he says seems to validate how I feel about the path I am on. Then I was going to send a friend a stupid e-mail and I had to delete it because it would have been in violation of the 8 rules or whatever (help me I'm a newbie at being a Buddhist.) But it felt GOOD! I was practicing right speech and at the time I deleted the e-mail I just knew that it could be hurtful, or at the very least casually cruel - spiteful. And in the middle of writing it, my dad logged on and accepted my invitation to g-mail so that we could chat. And even though my dad has this thing where he is the only person in the world sometimes that can make me cry, I also love him very much. And when we started chatting that was when I deleted the e-mail. And the passage that I had been reading was about being careful who we surround ourselves with which has been a big topic with me lately. More on that later. Thanks for getting on g-mail dad.

The Emerald City

2007-07-26T06:55:00.000-07:00

So how many lifetimes does it take us to learn the lesson of boddicitta? To become enlightened like the Buddha and to be relieved from the endless cycle of death and rebirth, to be released from samsara? None can say. It only took Dorothy one lifetime to realize that all she had to do was to click the heels of her ruby red slippers and she would be granted her greatest wish - to go back to Kansas. That being her greatest wish can be the subject of a different debate. But how many times, how many self-inflicted injuries will it take me before I begin to listen to and trust my body? None can say? No, I think I have to start learning this lesson here and now.
Before I came to yoga I ran. I ran marathons and half marathons. I ran thousands and thousands of miles, not particularly fast, but fast enough that I would have qualified for the Boston Marathon in my next marathon - that being my goal - my dream. Running long distance was more than just exercise for me. It was meditation. I got in the zone. I got my body in alignment, arms and legs pumping in rhythm and my neck loose so that my mom said she could always see my ponytail bobbing distinctively down the road.
I had my share of aches and pains, but nothing major; shin splints were corrected by orthotics. An IT band injury was fixed by a little rest and some stretching and ice. Then one day I noticed a bump on my left tibia. I was slightly painful, but not that bad. Not as bad as you would think a stress fracture would feel. I worked in a physical therapy clinic at the time and I asked one of the therapists what the bump could be and they said they didn't know but that I should definitely have it x-rayed. I made an appointment, but then canceled it because I convinced myself that it went away (oh my goodness, ever heard of denial?). I ran a half-marathon in April of 2004 and after that it hurt everytime I tried to run. That deep bony ache that finally I listened to that told me something was most definitely wrong. They diagnosed a non-union stress fracture on x-ray, which is somewhat uncommon, and recommended that I see a surgeon who said that the only way to really fix it was to insert a metal rod into my tibia after drilling out the bone marrow. After that I would be able to return to running. So I agreed. I wanted to get to the Emerald City of Boston even if it meant I had to submit my body to a very painful medical process.
In the meantime I found yoga. I friend dragged me to an advanced vinyasa class at a new studio in our neighborhood. I'm sure I looked a fool, but it didn't matter. At the time I wasn't even allowed to walk for exercise. I was allowed to swim, but there were always college kids making out in the lanes. I could bike, but I would break down and cry whenever I was on the path that had been the training grounds for those marathons. So... yoga. I never would have thought in a million years. And I approached it like a runner. Pushing through the hard parts like going uphill. Straining when my body was tired. After I had the surgery it quickly became apparent that running was not the same - and if it wasn't going to be the same, I didn't want to do it anymore and by that time I loved yoga.
But maybe I loved it for the wrong reasons. I loved it because someday I wanted to be able to do the splits, or do handstand in the middle of the room, or put both feet behind my head. Always a goal, always a hardness, always pushing. Until my aunt died and I pushed way, way, way too hard to get through Primary Series in Mysore class one day. The teacher kept telling me not to push it, that I would only hurt myself, but I wouldn't listen. I had to kill that witch and take her broom to the wizard. The next day I woke up and I couldn't sit up. I had to roll over and find a way to get out of bed. It was the day of the funeral. Everything hurt. After the funeral and wake I went to a restorative class, and it was almost as if the teacher had told me to put on my ruby slippers and click my heels three times and I would be home.
The next morning I woke up feeling considerably better. I realized that I had been exacerbating a hamstring attachment injury for a year because I refused to rest or really even back off - always trying to go further - that's how you go 26.2. So when a friend came over to practice Primary Series, I did yin and felt wonderful and didn't wish for a second that I was sweating and jumping back and through. And today I woke up feeling even better and knowing that I have to heal this hamstring attachment as well, not just work through it, but really heal it.
My teacher recently told me that she can still see a hardness in my practice; pushing through poses that she doesn't like. I have been trying to overcome that for at least a year, maybe longer. I feel like sometimes you have to push or pull a little. But after that Monday class, I realize that I was still running through my practice and a lot of the poses are uphill! Now I must be ready to listen, to soften, to stop running.
And I do get to go to Boston - The Emerald City - to see one of my favorite yoga instructors, Bhavani Maki, whom I met while on vacation in Hawaii. Who could have known?
Namaste

We Are Family

2007-07-23T17:49:00.000-07:00

When a family member dies it brings out the best and the worst in the rest of the family. Saturday, July 20th, my aunt died. It was very peaceful and all of our family was there. I had never actually witnessed someone die before. I was quite awestruck.
She had been quite mean to me in the couple of months up to her death. She had blamed me for ruining Christmas because I wanted to have a Christmas brunch since a lot of my family was traveling to Germany in the afternoon and she didn't want to get up early. She disowned me for trying to get her to see a doctor when her leg was all swollen. She'd hung the phone up on me countless times if I didn't give her the answer she wanted right away. She rejected my offer to quit my job and take care of her full time and then when she died she left everything to my brother and my grandfather.
When she died I was crushed. I remembered all of the good times from when I was a little kid and I would spend weekends at her house. How she took in unwanted animals and even children. But then gradually I remembered how mean she'd been to me over the past year, how she'd rejected me. Then my dad told me that my grandfather had told him not to expect a dime when he died; he wasn't getting anything. In all of this I felt a horrible lack of compassion. I was losing compassion for my family, I felt that they didn't have compassion for me or each other.
Meanwhile my yoga practice is like a yoyo. Sunday, the day after she died I connected with all of my bhandas and I was flying. My only problem was backbends. This old injury came back - literally right in the middle of my upper back where you really need to open and it prevents any sort of liberating movement in the upper back whatsoever. I managed to work it out a little bit without pushing. Then Monday morning mysore; I felt like I was made out of bricks or wood. Nothing wanted to move and I kept trying in hopes that it would open up. Nothing. I felt like I was doing battle with my body and I couldn't give in or I would have just ended up lying on the floor. I would have been better off. I should have found some compassion for myself, but instead I struggled to find the poses.
Later I struggled to find compassion for my imperfect family. No families are perfect. No one is perfect. But I felt like their blatant lack of compassion was making it that much more difficult for me to find compassion for them. And that' s when I realized I had to stop struggling and just let the compassion be there. Because the compassion is there, whether I feel it or not, it's just about letting go of the resistance and walking the right path.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

2007-07-18T17:29:00.000-07:00

So I mentioned to a friend that my practice has felt heavy lately and she said that "maybe heaviness in your practice correlates to the weight you're carrying for other people...I realize you're on this path of service and compassion but it isn't necessary to carry other people's suffering...no matter how much you love them." I really felt like she hit the nail on the head with that one. I've felt like I have to bridge the gap between my aunts atheism and my grandparents concern for her soul and my parents' lack of concern for the issue at all. I feel like everyone loves her and wants to help her and wants what is best, but that somehow compassion - what goes beyond love and makes you willing to do whatever it takes - is somehow being lost. In order to bring compassion to another person, you must first feel it for yourself and I think we are all getting lost in the suffering.
As heavy as I felt I actually slept through mysore this morning. I had done a lot of heavy duty quad stretching last night, so perhaps it had something to do with that, but neither my alarm, nor two dogs, nor my husband could budge me at 5 a.m which is odd. But maybe it was meant to be, because I got the message about carrying other people's suffering this afternoon. So I went to a led class. The teacher had been a friend of mine with whom I'd had a pretty major falling out and I thought "here is an opportunity to show up with no expectations, no agenda, just a willingness to practice and an open heart." The practice was wonderful. She adjusted me a few time, not excessively. I could feel things I had worked on in mysore coming together, feel little shifts and things starting to open in very subtle ways. I felt very light and at ease for the first time in a while. Thank you for the advice my friend.

Tonglen for Aunt Donna

2007-07-16T19:29:00.000-07:00

Om mani padme hum
Om mani padme hum
Om mani padme hum
Om mani padme hum
Om mani padme hum
Om mani padme hum
Om mani padme hum
Om mani padme hum
Om mani padme hum

I inhale your hot dark suffering and exhale cool, clean compassion.
I rub your bald head and cover you with the blanket.
I remind you how you took me to see The Wiz.
I love you.

Loving-Kindness Meditation

2007-07-07T08:02:00.000-07:00

Last night in teacher training meditation I experienced a true release so profound and so lovely that it has to be chalked up there with those moments when you find ease in a pose that you have always struggled with, or when you are finally able to bind in Marichyasana D or Bhadda Padmasana.

I love teacher training meditation. It is on Friday's after a long week and we always start just with a basic sitting meditation 25, 30, 35 minutes. I always feel refreshed and relaxed afterwards. This week I had to do my "book report" as did another student and we both picked books by Pema Chodron. I had told her which book that I had chosen so that she didn't choose the same book. The other student's presentation was much more lighthearted, whereas mine was much more serious which was interesting to note. No judgement, just an observation. Then we began the guided meditations.

The first was a walking meditation with was interesting and enjoyable enough. Not what I might choose for my own meditative style, but well executed and different. The second was sort of moving through different yoga poses in a meditative style, something I might do myself. Finally we came back to the person who had done the other Pema Chodron book report. She offered up a meditative technique taught in the book, as I was going to do (Tonglen meditation is taught in "When Things Fall Apart.") Apparently in her book there was a teaching of a loving-kindness meditation.

It began with a seated meditation and asked us to close our eyes and offer loving-kindness to ourselves. Then it asked us to imagine a person of whom we are very fond - I immediately imagined my husband- and to offer them loving-kindness. Immediately my hands came into the heart mudra and I began to cry - not out loud, but tears were streaming down my face. Then she asked us to imagine a friend and offer them loving-kindness. I imagined a nice, good friend and that settled me down a little bit. Then she asked us to imagine some random person whom we had met during the day. I imagined someone I had spoke with on the phone. That was actually the hardest, as I just felt neutral, like, "o.k., I can offer you loving-kindness and believe in your basic goodness, but eh." Then she asked us to imagine a person with whom we have been having difficulty. I knew just who would pop into my head and there that person was. And we were asked to offer loving-kindness to that person and I felt almost the same overwhelming feeling of loving-kindness that I had felt take over me as when I had imagined Tim, as though my heart had wanted to release all of those negative emotions, but hadn't known how.

Afterwards I was speechless and overwhelmed. I had not been prepared for the level of feelings that I would experience. I know that I am capable of love and of loving-kindness, but I didn't expect it to completely overtake me like it did. How can I take these feelings that are apparently lying below the surface and "water those seeds" so that they grow into more and more compassion?

I need an easy friend

2007-07-04T12:20:00.000-07:00

So sometimes people create drama and you have to wonder - am I prolonging this drama or am I just caught in the middle? Right now all I can feel is compassion. I can't feel anger or disappointment or anything else. If I feel a little fear I stay there with it. It really does work. It dissolves and opens and becomes more and more compassion. We are all scared. Unless we are truly enlightened then we want to protect our fragile egos. I love the Pema Chodron quote that says "The kinds of lessons that are learned in practice have nothing to do with bravery, they have to do with having the courage to die, to courage to die eternally." And then the Thicht Naht Hanh quote that says "Suffering is not enough." Meaning we must also find joy, compassion, pure happiness. How do we open ourselves to these two seemingly different, yet similar pairs of thoughts? How do we become an easy friend.

I've been told that I can be a difficult person to deal with. Being stuck inside my own ego, I can't see it. I see myself trying to be a good person, I see myself going overboard a little bit. I see my sarcasm at times, some cynicism. I see a harshness that needs to be tempered by compassion. I see a person who works with cancer patients every day and wants to cry for every last one of them. I often practice Tonglen for all of my patients, for my friends and family who I feel might be needing it. I see someone who has much to learn on this road and who isn't afraid to try, to fall, to admit a mistake and get back up again. I see someone who needs the help of friends.

Today is our nation's Independence Day. I've also been told - not by the people who say that I am difficult, that I need to learn to trust my own intuition. That I need to go inside myself, meditate, withdraw. That's not in my nature, but it speaks to the truth of my heart right now. Go inside, reserve your energy for those who need it. Widen the circle of compassion. Bring the mind back home. It all gets lost and scattered in the hall of mirrors that is our modern society. We do indeed have to be careful to stay on the right path.

Silencio

2007-06-23T16:53:00.000-07:00

So today was my 12 hours of silence. I woke up at 6 with no alarm which is very odd for me and saw that it was time to start. Tim was still in bed. Since we couldn't speak to each other, I moved over toward him and laid my head on his shoulder. Eventually he got up to take a shower - he was going up to his parents' house in Dover, Ohio to do some target shooting (ahimsa). I listened to him shower and fought the urge to fall back asleep and the urge to turn on the Saturday morning t.v. I listened to the animals breathing their sleep noises. Moving around to reposition themselves as I did. I propped myself up in bed and looked out the back window out into the ravine that is at it's most lush green right now. That occupied a good deal of time. Eventually Tim went out to Panera. I had told him the night before that if I had to be silent all day that I wanted a cinnamon roll and some coffee to start the day. He's so sweet - he brought it to me in bed with the admonishment that I not get any sugary crumbs in bed. No problem - Lily cleaned all of those up.

After he left I propped up a bunch of pillows to do pranayama exercise. I have started my day like this before and I always feel invigorated. I just started with some deep breathing (I've got all day here) and then did my favorite exercise which is 15:10:5 breathing and then return to breathing so that you hardly feel like you are breathing at all. It's really wonderful.

My feet hit the floor at 9:30. What a leisurely wake up routine! My first priority was to brush the dogs because they have just been shedding and shedding. They are not used to coming when I whistle so that was a challenge and I usually tell them "good girl" and "stay" quite a bit. But we used non-verbal communication. I think they understood what was going on. The only problem was that our new next door neighbor came home and she wanted to say hello, but all I could do was wave. I felt so bad that I wrote her a note and took it over and dropped it in her letter box.

Then I came in and did my first of many meditations for the day. I meditated so much that by the end of the day I could just immediately come to it and quiet my mind. I did have one strange meditation where I kept hearing this voice with an odd accent was talking to me telling me that I was one and that I was part of the one. It was quite interesting. For a lot of the afternoon the dogs and I did what we might do on a normal Saturday which was chill out on the couch, except for surfing for some bad movie to watch I looked out the French doors at the ravine (there tend to be lots of mosquitoes and since I knew I was going to practice more I didn't want to put on mosquito repellent.)

I went back to my yoga room and did a super duper long yin practice. I couldn't decide if I was going to do primary. Well, after yin I did a 40 minute meditation. By this time, my mind was completely silent.

After that I felt so open, my mind at rest, I figured I had to do a little of the primary series, even though today is my typical day of rest. So I did a very modified version, but I found it very easy to let go. It was a completely different practice from my normal practice in a led class or even mysore. I didn't strive for anything, except to let go completely and to stay completely with the breath. At the end I did another short meditation before savasana.

After practice I coaxed the dogs outside and grabbed a San Pelligrino and lit every single citronella candle out on the back deck. The dogs ran around and did their little fighting show for me and I sat and admired the trees with the sun going down behind them. I noticed it wasn't very bright, sort of dim. Finally a bug or crawled down my shirt and I decided it was time for a shower. I got dressed and started doing laundry since it was technically past my 12 hours. I figured even in a monastery they do chores. As I was gathering the laundry together Tim came home. I started shouting "Tim, Tim, Tim." I told him about my day and he told me about his and then I turned on the computer to blog about my day of silence. Namaste

The Path

2007-06-16T20:26:00.000-07:00

Is there a right path or a wrong path? I ask this question because someone recently told me that I am on the wrong path and it deeply disturbed me. I have been working hard to let it go, but the person who made this particular comment has been very close to me and I have gone through a great deal of change lately. All, I thought, to get on the right path. It was just one of those things that someone says and it gets under your skin like a splinter of glass. I guess I have to trust that my body/mind will eventually reject it and heal itself.

Today laughter was the best medicine. I talked over Skype with my friend who is studying at AYRI in Mysore. She is having such a great experience it is really inspiring me to try to start working toward getting to India myself. But we ended up just laughing for almost two hours. Thank heavens for some of this technology! Skype is free - I can't imagine how much a phone call like that would have cost. And it was so much better than e-mail - just to hear her voice and hear how happy she is. And things get lost in translation over e-mail a lot. Misread and misunderstood. There's no substitute for talking to a live person, unless she was actually here, or preferably I there. Anyway, it was very inspiring and fun and she was full of fun stories and she made me laugh and cry and count my blessings that I have at least one true friend in the world even if she is half a world away.

Then my husband and I traveled a couple of hours away to attend a graduation party for the daughter of one of his college friends' daughters. She's actually his step daughter, very beautiful and full of hope and promise. We got to see a lot of friends that we only see a couple times a year, but that we are very close to. They are all so easy to get along with. No hidden agendas or fragile egos that I might damage with one wrong word. Again we laughed a lot and had serious conversations about life and death and changing jobs and marriage and then laughed some more. And made plans to see each other before too long.

As we were riding home I told Tim that the afternoon had been the perfect medicine for my soul. As we drove home I read two chapters from Understanding the Mind by TNH. It was absolutely profound. Then I put it down as he recommends not reading too much at once. So I held my husband's hand and enjoyed the scenic Ohio farm and woodlands. How they blended and fell away, divided by a small river or stream. The colors of the fields, deep green, surrounded by yellow grasses and purple wildflowers. And lovely dark woods with deer on the edges tentatively coming out to eat at dusk. And I just let myself enjoy this scenery that I have seen tens, maybe hundreds of times, but it was if I was seeing it through new eyes - and I was.

Letting Go Fights Back

2007-06-04T08:17:00.000-07:00

So I had been dreading this workshop on the anatomy of the belly forever because my first experience with the instructor had been less than positive, I'll just say. But that was at the beginning of our yoga teacher training and now we are nearing the end. Did I think to myself "Well I'll put that experience in the past and go in with fresh eyes and ears and heart and open myself to new possibilities." Let's just say I tried and tried, but honestly I could not. I was dreading and dreading too much. I thought this teacher was full of baloney and half-baked and goofy and I had to acknowledge that I still had those feelings or I would be lying to myself. I wanted to put them aside, but the stubborn holder on in me would not let them go.
So Saturday morning Tim and I tried to find the studio, which is in our neighborhood, but has no outward sign, just the address, which we hadn't written down, so we drove up and down the street looking for someone in teacher training until we found someone. I also had convinced myself that the studio would be icky and uncomfortable. It was quite the opposite. It was clean and large and had nice, new low pile carpeting, plenty of props, two bathrooms, very spacious. It was about the opposite of what I expected, so I immediately felt comfortable when I walked in and unrolled my mat. For some reason that feeling of comfort just gave me over to the whole experience and I let go of all my past resistences to this teacher and my mistrust of her, dislike of her, my feelings that she didn't know anything about yoga - especially my kind of yoga, Ashtanga yoga. In fact I realized that she was saying a lot of the same things that she had said in the first workshop, but I was hearing them in a completely different way. Something in me had woken up, opened up, my perception, my awareness, whatever you choose to call it was no longer threatened by other people's agendas. I can have my own feelings, I can own them and not be attached to them, they can come and go and other people can do the same - or not. But I am ultimately responsible for how I perceive and accept information and I don't have to judge - it can just be, there, in the world, with or without my interaction.
We did some asanas and I had decided to give myself over to this new feeling of trust and letting go and it felt amazing. I went farther and farther in every pose. I felt new sensations throughout my whole body. I let go of any resistance I was asked to, that I was aware of, that I possible could. I went home Saturday night. Since we'd been working on the belly area I wasn't that hungry and I'd also developed a migraine the size of Texas from a storm that blew through. So I didn't eat much and just laid on the couch and read and watched t.v. Sunday morning I woke up and I couldn't move. My back had gone into complete spasm.
Ultimately I did make it out of bed and into the shower and took some ibuprofen. That all helped. I felt much better when I got to the studio. I confessed to my back pain and was told that was good because it meant that the muscles were releasing. We did more asana and I worked with the guidelines that we'd been given the day before. I let go and let go and let go some more. I surprised myself with the amount of letting go I could do when I brought my attention to it. It felt amazing. When we broke for lunch I was exhausted, so I drank my energy juice and had my carrots and Clif bar and then went back to the studio to read. Eventually I fell asleep so soundly that I was drooling on my mat. After a while I woke up and sat up to see if I could work any of the kinks out and the instructor came over and rubbed my back to bring the blood back into it. She said it felt more pliable already.
After lunch we had a review session. I finally found a comfortable position laying over a rolled up blanket in the fetal position. But I was still accepting, still open. Am I crazy? I don't know. That night I called my mentor, teacher, massage therapist and asked if he was available Monday (today) and described what had happened. He said it sounded like a chiropractic adjustment. Interesting - he said, I thought. He said no practice until he saw me, which he wouldn't have to tell me now, though I may have tried. I am going to attempt to sit for meditation. Like I told one of my other friends, it might not be the way that I choose to practice, because I know there are other people who have gotten similar results without this kind of pain, but I'm glad that I let myself go there and experience it.

A good start

2007-05-30T18:38:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to feel like I just might get this yoga thing. Relax, breathe, let go. People have asked me how I feel about getting to the end of my teacher training, but I feel like the real work is just beginning! I have been practice teaching different people - my guinea pigs I call them and it's been going really well. I feel much more confident than I thought I would. Like, wow, all that stuff we've been doing for 8 or 9 months has really sunk in. I'm starting to realized things about my practice on my own, just little things, but things are clicking in there. Then in mysore I've gotten a lot of instruction to allow the breathing in my ribcage open and lengthen my spine.
Most importantly I feel that I am living the practice off of my mat. I feel love spreading not just for my fellow yogis, but for everyone I come across. I am doing so much reading about yoga and Buddhism and just feeling the connections and the interconnectedness. I am loving a quote from Thicht Naht Hahn's book Buddha Mind, Buddha Body that says "You are always with yourself. And you always have the capacity for happiness."

Open your heart, Open your mind

2007-05-26T11:32:00.000-07:00

Thursday I had the queen of bad days, not the worst day in the world, but a pretty stressful day. On top of that I was supposed to wait until the last minute to see if my friend was coming over for her Ashtanga lesson. I don't really do well with waiting until the last minute types of deals. So I called her and left two messages and said that I felt that I needed to take the time to do my own practice and I really felt the need to be in Donna's class. Whenever I feel stressed and anxious I always want to go to Donna's class - like it is a safe haven, no matter how challenging it can be. We ended up doing a lot of backbends and doing partner drop backs and when I left I had the feeling that it was exactly what I had needed - to open up my heart and to let go all of the stress and tension of the day.
Friday was a late afternoon hot and sweaty Ashtanga class. I practiced next to Amanda. We practiced at a good pace and the flow was excellent. The flow was excellent and the heat made me feel very flexible and loose. Tom qued us at the beginning to relax our shoulders and neck and he only had to correct me once. It was a good practice.
Saturday I came to the studio and observed Tom's and Donna's vinyasa classes. After Tom's class I chatted with a couple of the students. One who had been injured I told her that she was looking good as she came back. Another student who maybe struggles with her yogic "identity" I told her that she had a beautiful practice and that I could tell that she was present in all of her poses and I told her that she might want to think about taking the teacher training. She beamed when I told her this and I was glad that I had taken the time to give her some encouragement. I snuck into Donna's class a little late and watched a bunch of my peers both from teacher training and Ashtanga. They started working into my favorite pose which I think is called Golukasana. When Donna asked if anyone had ever come into it from headstand no one had, so she asked if I would demonstrate even though I wasn't warmed up. So I went up to her mat and she talked me through it and I did an adequate job. Then I was observing and Rita asked if I would help her. She got tired and another girl asked if I would help her. At one point I ended up demonstrating a headstand on the hardwood floor, which I had seen other teachers do. It was so fun.
After class I ran into Donna behind the studio and she asked me how I had managed how to become so relaxed and happy and easy going and I said I really didn't know. I attributed it to working with Bhuddism and practicing and just trying to do the work. I'm looking forward to whatever the future holds.

Living in the Moment

2007-05-23T19:34:00.000-07:00

This past Sunday I had a very difficult practice. I was so excited to get to class and then when I got there it was as it something inside me had hardened and I couldn't let go no matter how hard I tried or how hard I tried not to try. It was extremely frustrating. It wasn't that my poses weren't in good alignment, but they were all "hard." My perfectionism just holding on tight and not letting go. Somehow I attributed it either to the flow class where we worked so much on alignment the day before, or to the fact that I had woken up that morning with a migraine. Headaches tend to bring out my most extreme traits, one of which is not being a relaxed and groovy person, in general - I try.
Monday I had intended on going to a late primary series, but I fell asleep and it was impossible for Tim to wake me up. I have been on Keppra for my headaches and neuralgia and I have severe fatigue and sometimes depression associated with it. Since I had gotten so much extra sleep I was able to get up and go to mysore practice the next morning. I had plenty of energy and had a great practice. I had forgotten how much I loved getting up and practicing first thing in the morning. I don't have the day's "baggage" rumbling around in my head, making me hard inside.
Wednesday I went to my favorite led class. I feel that I am back on the right path. I still struggled with some internal issues regarding being judgemental toward another student. I definitely struggled to put that one down. Especially since he was making me a little uncomfortable by constantly staring at me through the whole class. Let it go, breathe, drishti. Live in the moment of the breath and the pose. Live in the moment of compassion that you feel for yourself, for those around you and for those who need it most.

Let it Flow

2007-05-19T14:08:00.000-07:00

I am sooooo terrible about getting up on Saturday mornings. I can get up almost any time any other day, but Saturday is like my sacred day of sleep. I was supposed to go to TGs class to observe which I really needed since I don't feel very confident about sequencing in a vinyasa class. And I always enjoy observing that class as well and sometimes helping out. But, I honestly overslept, like turned the alarm clock off, next time I woke up class would have been starting. Well at least I got up in time to go to the class that I was supposed to go take. It's the one vinyasa flow class that I take during the week and I take it because it is taught by the director of our teacher training program.
Today when I walked in I guess I was a little grouchy - probably left overs from my migraine yesterday. The studio was freezing and one of the older students had positioned herself right by an open window. We always have this same struggle on Saturday mornings over the temperature because there is quite a difference in age range and abilities in the students that chose to come to the class. Well, I just quietly went to the other side of the room because we sort of have a tacit agreement that one side can be windows open and one side can be windows shut. It takes all of my patience and non-judgementalness to let go of this issue because I really want it warm in the room and feel like everyone would be better off if the room was warm. And I've gotten so upset that I've left class because I felt the room was to cold for me to practice, but I realized that was only hurting me.
It's so different going from an Ashtanga class to a vinyasa flow class, especially by this teacher. She works very slowly and deliberately and deeply. I don't know if it was the temperature of the room or the pace of the class, but I couldn't really get any good tapas going. We started out with very slow sun salutations and then I think we went directly to the wall to work on handstands in different variations. So again, while my arms were quite tired I didn't have that movement with the breath that creates the tapas that burns away the impurities in the body. I think that must be the difference between between this slow, yet deep and difficult vinyasa and a primary series class.

One step forward, one step back

2007-05-18T08:05:00.000-07:00

Last night my friend Min came over so that I could help guide her through the Primary Series. Since I am going through teacher training I was ecstatic at the chance to practice on someone who already had some knowledge of yoga, and even of the Primary Series. She just doesn't remember the exact sequencing. I discovered, as did she, that she has a lovely practice and that she needs to build some overall strength. I did some gentle corrections and tried to work with her on her chaturanga which was her weakest pose, understandably. I found that I have a "voice" as a teacher that is a little stern, but very playful. As she started to get tired we stopped doing as many of the vinyasas and started just looking at the poses, but we made it through them all, except for setu bhandasana, since I knew she had neck problems -- we just did bridge pose. And like my other favorite teachers I insisted that she try to lift between every pose, even though she couldn't get off the ground -- she will someday, and that's the only way. Even though it was just the two of us we ended with three Oms. It felt like the right thing to do. And while she was in savasana I gave her blessings and tried to create a nice calm space where she could relax and I could almost feel when she finally went inward.

Then this morning I woke up with the worlds worst migraine. I'd been doing really well this week and was soooo happy. And I was so happy after my first "teaching" experience. Min was glowing when she left and kept coming back to give me hugs. It was the last thing I expected. So I guess I have to give myself rest, permission to rest which is hard for me. I just finished reading Pema Chodren's When Things Fall Apart. I started reading it partly because I developed this condition which is a cranial neuralgia where it feels as though someone is shooting me behind the ear with a cattle prod every once in a while and I never know when it's coming. It just called to me, but I didn't read it until the doctors overmedicated me with painkillers and my yoga teacher stepped in and told me what I already knew which was that I needed to get off of all those painkillers. So I came up with the plan with the doctors that kept me out of the hospital and came off of a lot of painkillers in two weeks. I started reading Pema then, because at that point I really did feel like things were falling apart. Even though according to the doctors I wasn't mentally or emotionally addicted to the pills, I definitely depended on them to keep the pain away. When I started reading Pema I realized I don't need to fear the pain or run away from it. It just is and I can be with it and breathe. Most of the time. Her lesson is mostly that we shouldn't try to get ground beneath our feet because it's just an illusion and it will just disappear anyway. A hard lesson for me to learn.

First Post

2007-05-16T18:41:00.000-07:00

Well, here it is, my first blog. Do I have nothing better to do than to share my thoughts with semi-random strangers? Well, I would like to share my thoughts on yoga with the Ashtanga community. My struggles, the lessons that I've learned and the wonderful experiences that I've had while coming to my mat day after day like so many others to share in this transformative practice. Every day going deeper, every day feeling that this is where I belong even though I have placed so many obstacles for myself along the way. Having been a marathon runner who never once did even the most cursory of stretching, I came to my first yoga class with hamstrings of steel. Shortly thereafter I had an actual steel rod rammed into my tibia due to a non-union stress fracture from running those marathons (and probably not stretching.) And after my first yoga class I was in love, even though I was tight and shook in every pose because I pushed sooooo hard (that's what you do when you run!) So I pushed and pushed until finally some brave teacher finally told me that wasn't the way to do yoga. And I began to learn.