Lost love

I can't believe that it's been so long since I posted. Well, on second thought I can. Shortly after that last post my whole world went to crap - my husband left me, the only other man I loved told me that he couldn't speak to me for x period of time (it's a long time) I'm 38 and pretty much feel as though I will never fall in love ever again. I've tried, don't get me wrong, but my soul is so hurt and damaged and I still have such mixed feelings about my soon to be ex-husband that I don't really know what to do. I waver between anger and wanting to be friends and meanwhile I'm stuck in the relationship status of "separated" not exactly a beckoning call for worthy suitors. So many of my friends say that I need to be alone for a while. I wonder if they've ever been as truly alone as I am right now, or if they've felt as truly alone as I feel right now.

Ironically I found someone who said that I could call anytime - and then their phone got shut off or they changed the number or something. Odd. I sort of see someone who doesn't want to talk to me more than about once a week, which if that's his deal, I'm down with that, but I have to find someone else for emotional support. Or maybe that's just my ego.

All of this is coming up because I officiated my brother's wedding last night and it reminded me of how happy I was on my wedding day and how bright the future looked and how much I loved my husband. And how did it end up like this. Because I was emotionally involved with another person? Because my husband didn't have the guts to say something before we were, for him, beyond the point of no return.

Tonight, it's the opposite of that sunny early autumn day - it's rainy and lonely and dark and as much as I didn't see it back then, at least I am aware that I don't know what the future holds.