The Smile of Non-Fear: September 2009

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Non-Attachment

Earlier this summer I injured my elbows when I was instructed to go beyond 90 degrees in chaturanga dandasana. Since then I have alternatively struggled with and surrendered to this annoying injury that I feel I could practice through, yet if I did, could turn in to something more serious. So I've been modifying my practice, taking time off, doing PT, not doing PT, taking flaxseed oil and turmeric, rubbing flaxseed oil on my elbows, doing reiki on myself, even though I'm not attuned per se, but have been told that people feel energy when I give them adjustments. You name it, I've tried it. Pretty much everything but consistency. I think that's what I'll have to go with that next.

Through all of this I have held an enourmous amount of blame toward the teacher who told me to go past 90 degrees in chaturanga dandasana. I haven't told her this because many people can do this movement and not sustain an injury. Unfortunately, I have a strange family history of medial epicondylitis and will probably have to be very careful with elbow injuries from now on. Yet even though I try to remain non-attached to anger or blame I am finding it very difficult. The injury is affecting my asana practice in a huge way. Perhaps I am too attached to it; however, my teachers have emphasized the need to try to practice in some way without aggravating the injury. There is much written in the Yoga Sutras about practicing without break and about yoga being part of one's daily hygeine, much like brushing one's teeth. I take these words very seriously.

Besides that, I tried taking a week off from asana practice completely, thinking if I could just get rid of it once and for all I would be ok. Unfortunately that revealed even more of my attachment to my practice as I was a grouchy, worried, anxious mess for the entire week and had to cut it short and even praticed on a moon day. Now, I am back where I was before I took all of that time off. And I feel even angrier at the teacher who gave me that instruction. Attachment to my injury, to anger, to my practice. It's a vicious circle.

But luckily, yoga teaches us to start over, wherever we are, in every moment. To forgive ourselves and move on to the business of practicing yoga, which never stops. So I can still practice non-attachment to my injury and practice in a way that does not further aggravate it. I can practice non-attachment toward my feelings of anger and they will disappear. And I can practice non-attachment to my asana practice so that I can practice in a way that shows lovingkindness toward myself.