Humility

This week was one of the worst weeks I've had for a long time. It seemed no matter what I did it backfired and I was attached to every negative experience and couldn't seem to let it go. I finally achieved a moment of peace when I sat down to meditate on Thursday and no matter how much I tried to focus on my breath, negative thoughts just kept creeping back in. I could not turn off the chatter despite all of my efforts. Perhaps the efforts were part of the problem.
Finally I gave up and went and got a book that I had just purchased called "Taming the Tiger Within" by Thicht Naht Hanh that had little meditations for dealing with difficult emotions. The first one was about the root of our suffering being our anger. I repeated that over and over again and finally found some peace. I think it took me the better part of an hour.
I realized how attached I was to my anger and I knew that I was angry because other people weren't living up to my expectations. This is why other people had gotten angry with me in the past - for having expectations, for clinging to the past. So I am stuck in this samskara of anger and more anger, but hopefully recognition is the first step to release.
This morning a friend and I did what was for me a very difficult yoga series. I was sweating profusely even though it wasn't that hot. I was sweating hot anger that I didn't need anymore. And instead of struggling as I normally would in a difficult series and comparing myself with other people in my head, I realized that I could open up just a little more with every breath and instead of gripping I tried to just let go.
I realized that I have to replace my anger with humility. Compassion is always there, or should be anyway. Obviously I lost sight of that as well. But, I think the true lesson that I learned this week was the need to be humble in all situations, to let go of my fierce ego and to be in the present moment.