Nothing to hold on to

I've been feeling a bit betrayed by my body usually. I had gotten to a point where if I asked it to do something I could pretty much feel the muscles that I needed to engage in order to make that happen. Not that I'm an advanced practitioner, but I was starting to feel a little bit more ease in the primary series - like I might get my feet over my head in Bhujapidasana soon, or stand up from back bend. These things seemed within reach. Which might be the problem - I reached.

I had that one really bad practice and I backed off and did yin for several days. It seemed like all of my Ashtanga muscle memory went out the door of the studio. No air in my jump backs, my back bends are flat and my old hamstring attachment feels like it's on fire. Today I was trying to practice without pain in my hamstring and I was struggling to even grab my foot in forward bends. The day before I had been next to this new woman who had hamstrings of noodles and thank god I had read about egolessness right before class because if I hadn't kept telling myself to put my ego aside I would have run crying from the room.

Today my teacher told me that it was o.k. to lean into the pain a little bit. Sort of mindfully go into it, rather than grip and tense up and try to get around it. I tried it tonight for a short while and completely understood what he was saying and I was able to to let go in some places and work with the pain so that it was more discomfort than "OH MY GOD THIS KILLS!" Besides today was the full moon so I think that got into my head that I shouldn't be practicing and I was just there to be there.

Tomorrow, I'm leaving my ego at the door and doing my full practice. Peeling away the layers like an onion to find true consciousness. Mindfully approaching the practice so that it can nourish my body and my mind. But not gripping or grasping, not reaching or trying to attain. That does truly cause all of my suffering and if I can't learn to do yoga without learning those lessons then I might as well not do it at all. That is how important it is to lose the ego and just breathe.